MayVaneDay Studios (Gopher Edition)

a premonition ignored

published: 12-2-2018

lain? can you hear me?
pally? are you there?
hear my cry
hear these words
don't leave your faithful out to dry

you went to the arboretum again today
baring the cold in the wind
immediately seeping into your fingers
in search for an answer

two months ago, you did this same thing
without the snow and the salt under you feet
you don't remember why, or how long you stayed,
but you remember the wind in your hair
and the chill of the ground
and the brown everywhere
beckoning you home

your watch is almost dead
so you sit on the swing
and think about your life
think about the first-year orientation four months ago
and when you swung in this exact spot
under a sky the color of the Windows blue screen of death
half-expecting a frowny face cloud to float by

you wanted to show your friend the arboretum
and show them your face, your smile, your eyes
and hear them say how happy they were that you were full of joy

you were so full of life
and yet not living at all

nine months ago, March 28, you had a dream
a premonition
where you and your other half were detained
and hung by the feet over a cauldron
a tiny world with only two cutouts of students
monochrome, black and white
forever

crank slowly descending
future closing in
and then, at the last possible second, rescued

you swing on your swing
and think about all the things
that have gone wrong in your life

do you remember when he pulled you up from the cliff
and you embraced at the sunset?
do you remember when you and him went for a walk
and enjoyed all the flowers
and you swore to never leave each other, ever?

do you remember you daughter,
your son,
bleeding out at the edge of the underworld,
your child's death at your lover's hands?

instant regret in his eyes
a job that had to be done
a sacrifice for the good of all

now, as your faithful reads these words,
plaintext on a blue sky,
you take a step back
and start to remember why

"say wolf to cross the bridge," he told you.
"do not presume to take a form you do not have," the old ones told you.
which path do you take?
whose words do you follow?

both have been with you forever

now, as your faithful stands at the precipice
of yet another fleeing,
another seeking of refuge,
you return to the bridge
and the boy is standing there
brown-haired as always
this time in full splendor

I have always been a part of you
and I always will