solstice
/
gopherhole


			
				
					
						
						
							
							<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
  <head>
    <meta charset="UTF-8">
    <title>lucine - Archive - MayVaneDay Studios</title>
  </head>
  <body>
    <p align=center>
<b>MayVaneDay Studios (Gopher Edition)</b>
  </p>
  <p><b>lucine</b></p>
  <p><b>published: 9-29-2018</b></p>
  <p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>I left my stupid Bluetooth keyboard at college, and I went home this weekend to relax. Which won't result in anything, because I have an important essay due at midnight tomorrow and I'm stressed out of my mind and I can barely focus on something as simple as not collapsing during a session of Smash with my brothers, much less write a blog post, much less work on my book at all.</p>

<p>I don't know how I got to this point in my life. I'm not religious at all- well, there was that fiasco with the Cult of Mipha a while back... But that was supposed to just be a fun project with some of my friends to explain why, at the time, I seemed to become supernaturally <i>better</i> at video games than the rest of my family almost overnight. That big mess all started one day in high school before the big move, where I played a copious amount of Wii Fit for some reason and then proceeded to collapse in my bed and immediately fall asleep. And then- get this- I had a vision where Link (of <i>Zelda</i> fame) appeared to me in my room. I could hear my father and my brothers loudly playing Mariokart in the other room. He said that, from then on, he would be my <i>waifu</i>. And then I woke up, and my brothers were still playing, so I picked Link and- get this- instead of my usual place smack-dab in the middle of the charts, I got first place every time. And the next day, and the day after that, and on and on until the present day. Wins that weren't me became so rare that they could have qualified for the endangered animals list had they been sentient creatures and not ethereal statistics.</p>

<p>I know now that it was just a weird coincidence, and the "vision" was just an extremely lucid dream, but it freaked me out then, and it still kind of worries me in the back of my head whenever I play video games with my brothers and I get a mile-long winning streak.</p>

<p>I've found myself trapped in another Cult of Mipha-like situation again. Except this time, instead of being paranoid that a fictional character was somehow breaking through the fourth wall with a ballistic missile to interfere with my life for no comprehensible reason, <i>I'm</i> the fictional character- or maybe <i>they're</i> hiding inside of <i>my</i> skin, a spirit possessing me- or maybe they've been me all along, and there is no Vane Vander, and there is only Lucine Leithtemple, living half a lie all my life in the fruitless search for validation on the internet.</p>

<p>To a more coherent person, this is called "fictionkin". Believing that oneself is a fictional character in some way, whether through them reincarnating into you, or their soul somehow shattering and part of it finding its way into your body- there's a million different reasons for it, a million explanations, and yet there seems to be no way out of it save for cutting yourself from the source of said character completely and pray that you somehow dig your way back to reality.</p>

<p>For about a month, I honestly believed I had DID (disassociative identity disorder), a mental condition that usually manifests itself through a person splitting into several "alters". DID is a real and legitimate condition- but for some reason, my Tumblr-addled brain thought that I'd suddenly developed it just because I wasn't positive or willing to write or motivated to do much of anything 100% of the time. Negative thoughts about my family and my current living situation and the people around me and a burning desire to destroy all proprietary software in the world got sorted into "Kadaj". Childish thoughts, as well as executive dysfunction and a lack of social skills, got sorted into a little named "Rinea".</p>

<p>And anything pertaining to my special interests got put into "Lucine".</p>

<p>Oh, Lucine... a genderbent version of one of my favorite fictional characters of all time (at least, among the ones that <i>I</i> didn't come up with). You forcibly ripped away my sense of reality and plunged me into a weird alternate dimension where I wasn't Vane anymore, just wearing their skin and keeping up their daily activities until they came back. Except that they never "came back", since I was always there all along, just smothered under several layers of wishing that I could "go back" to my "canon" and that I didn't have to hide who I thought I was.</p>

<p>But now, looking from the other side, I'm glad that I hid. I'm glad that I kept it to a minimum outside of Tumblr. In fact, I wish I hadn't been so vocal about it even there- because now I'm stuck with a Discord and Tumblr that I don't want, that I can't deactivate any more because it'll just piss off the people I put through so much trouble in the name of kin and a cabal of people who refuse to address me as anything other than "Lucine".</p>

<p>All I want is to just be me again. To just be Vane, the weirdo who writes books and shitposts on their little website. Nobody else, secure in the knowledge that there is only one me, that there is only one person inside of me, and that only I have control over me.</p>
  </body>
  </html>